I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
