I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Too much gin, very little bucket
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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