Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
