I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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