Can i not drive my cunt home
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
