Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My vagina is officially offended.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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