I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
