Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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