Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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