the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
