im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
