Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
