please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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