I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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