i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
