The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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