so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
