You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
