my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
