So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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