So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
