Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
