I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
