3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
