I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
