So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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