i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
