Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I will pee on everything he values.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
