OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't deserve a penis
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
