After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
