hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
