Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
