Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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