We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
