just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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