why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
