I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
