so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It was confusing and full of hummus
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
