I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
