How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We left the knife in your bed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
