i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
