Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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