did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
