Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
