I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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