You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
