she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
