Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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