Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
