dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
