Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
