just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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