How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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