Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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