May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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