Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
