the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
