he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
